I had to treat my soul like a child. I had to pin it down and demand that it stay put until the Holy Spirit told it to move. I had no idea how stubborn and independent I could be. I was raised with a common belief: God loves me. God has a plan for my life. God is sovereign. He chose me. He saved me. Someday I will live with him in heaven. This perspective was very comforting, but it was also crippling. Imagine if I raised my son to think that, because I gave birth to him and love him and have the power to help him, he could do anything he wants for the rest of his life and it won't change anything. In fact, I'll forgive everything he does, fix it, and make sure he gets a beautiful wife and well-paying job even if he never so much as lifts his butt from the couch cushions. How good of a parent would I be? How good of a person would he be? To say that God is in control and everything happens for a reason, is to close your eyes to the events of the world and even to scripture. But to say that God is not in control questions his sovereignty and power. And especially his love. There seems to be an unavoidable problem there. Since this question is such a big one for Christians and skeptics alike, we should take some time on it. This post will focus simply on the change of my perspective before I pinned my soul to the ground, and after. When God spoke to me, and confirmed his word, it showed me that I had been making "faith" choices without him for most of my life. I just prayed, then acted without hearing back from him. I guess I was like someone leaving a message on a cell phone, assuming that the other person would agree and support whatever decision I made just because I cared enough to call. I also realized that I had been living by a sliding scale. I believe in God's sovereign will, but when I sinned, it was clearly not His will. I felt bad. I apologized. I felt that I had offended God. But how could God be offended or even bothered if he knew what I would do before I did it, and it was all a part of his grand scheme? In fact, I should be thanking him for my sin because, in the end, "all things work together for good." Right? Also, my perspective would change based on the severity of an event. If I tripped on a curb, I was clumsy. But if I tripped on a curb and cracked a tooth, costing me $500 at the dentist, God was testing me financially. If I tripped on a curb and incurred brain damage, God obviously had a mysterious and wonderful plan and I would have to wait and pray, pretending not to be afraid, wondering what it was. Based on the severity of my fall, the event would shift from an accident to a plan. There is one story in the Bible that helped shed some light on this issue for me. In Numbers 22, Israel is approaching Moab on their way to Canaan. Balak, the king, is terrified of Israel, having heard of what happened in Egypt and the destruction of other nations. He calls on Balaam, a man known for his divination powers, to curse Israel. Balaam accepts the offer, but God is angry and sends an angel to block his way. Balaam has an interesting conversation with his donkey, after which the angel is revealed to him. Balaam agrees not to go. However, God allows him to continue, but does not allow him to curse Israel. Only to bless them. For the next couple of chapters, we can read the blessings of Balaam and the angry rants of Balak. However, the blessings don't seem to matter because in the chapter that immediately follows, Israel is sleeping around with the people of Moab and worshipping their gods. Nice. Josephus, when writing the Jewish history for his Greek captors, expands this account, making the transition a little more natural. In his version, Balaam tells Balak that God will not abandon his people, but they could abandon their God. He advises the king to send in their most beautiful women and seduce the Israelites. God doesn't send an angel to block the women. Israel is seduced. Ultimately, it is these same people that were so unfaithful that they never would enter the Promise Land, even though God brought them out of Egypt to do so. This sounds like what the devil is trying to do. Seduction and lies. Apparently we are free to act on temptation, and in doing so, we just might end up like Israel, dead in a desert on the wrong side of the Jordan. Consider some of your own views of sovereignty and freedom. Do you vote? If so, do you think it changes the outcome? Do you feel free? Do you feel guilty when you sin? Are those sinful moments free from God's sovereignty? If so, can other moments also be free? How do you feel about this issue?
Another College Story
I came to a mental crossroads in my spiritual life in my junior year of college. I got to the point where I was exhausted by "God-speak." I was tired of “giving God the glory” for things that I was probably just doing myself. Would I have to go through the rest of my life hoping that God would keep “opening and closing doors” for me? I wanted to hear from God. I wanted to know what He was doing. I was ready to abandon all guesswork entirely. My opportunity came. I needed a job, and the best job I could find while attending school was as a church accompanist—decent pay, limited hours. I auditioned at a large church and was offered the position, but I needed to start right away and I would have to continue through the summer. If I took the job, I couldn’t go on the summer ministry tour I was planning, and I would have to find housing in the area. I told the choir director that I would pray about it and give her a decision on Sunday. That was Wednesday. While I was driving home from the audition, I thought about what I said. Would I really be able to know what God wanted me to do? I remember feeling very strongly about finding out for sure this time. Did He want me to stay back from a ministry tour just to make money, or would He provide a more flexible job? Before I got home I had made a decision. I would ceremoniously fry myself a cheeseburger and then not eat again until I was sure that God had given me an answer. I went home, ate the burger, and prayed like a maniac. The next day, I was talking to a friend who said that if I wanted to stay in Los Angeles for the summer, I could stay in his apartment and share the rent. If I went on tour, we could lead the ministry team together. It didn’t give me an answer, but it did open up a place to stay. I refused to open my Bible during this time, afraid that I would read into the verses. I felt bad, like I was trying to twist God’s arm, but I knew that I had to persevere. I was so tired of not being sure. By Friday night, “hungry” was an understatement. I remember going to a restaurant with my friends but not planning to eat. Smart. While I was sitting there, watching everyone else eat, I looked over at the friend who had offered to share the summer with me. I can’t explain why, but at that moment, I knew that I should take the accompanist job and stay in Los Angeles. It was a feeling. I didn’t really want a feeling. I wanted a burning bush outside the music building. Later that night, I ate. I didn’t get sick. I didn’t feel guilty. But I have to admit, I didn’t feel confident either. On Sunday, I told the director that I would take the job. “When did you decide?” she asked. “Friday night.” “What time?” I thought back. “Around 6:00.” She looked startled. “That’s interesting. Because at 6:00, Friday night, something told me to stop worrying about the choir job. It was such a strong sensation that I looked at my watch.” So God wanted me to make money and not go on the ministry tour? Funny thing: I got married that summer, but at the time, I wasn't even dating Laurie. How could I have known? I needed to stay home. That first experience in college forever altered my approach to faith. I was finally confident that God could speak to me and confirm His word. I also knew that living by faith was something that I had to pursue. No more open and closed doors. No more superstitious God-speak. No magic Bible verses. No pointless prayers or Christianese. For once, it was real.
Scripture on Scripture
Do I trust the Scriptures? Absolutely. This may seem to contradict my previous posts, but I have confidence that God has preserved the testimonies of these prophets and spiritual men to guide his church, and to keep us from personal and corporate heresy. However, I don't trust my brain farther than I can throw it. As mentioned in the previous post, we interpret everything we read through our mental filters. These filters tend to make conclusions based on personality, experience, personal study, mentors, and many other things. Once we've made conclusions, we tend to place our entire faith in them, baring our teeth at any doctrine or theologian that would dare to challenge them. It is foolhardy to think that we, physical beings, could become experts in spiritual things with simple reasoning--even with the Scriptures as a guide. However, it would be even more foolish to throw out the Scriptures and rely entirely on feelings or personal experiences. If there are truly spiritual forces at work to deceive us, especially in the church itself, shouldn't we do the best we can to let go of our faulty securities and learn to depend on the Holy Spirit for truth. Paul cautioned the early churches to walk by the Spirit rather than living by the Law. God would not contradict His own law, so there is no danger in abandoning one for the other. Also, he encouraged people to walk by the Spirit to avoid sin. God doesn't sin, so people walking by the Spirit will not sin. True security. I believe that this concept, though intriguing to many Christians, has been abandoned for the more "secure" approach of using the scriptures as the end-all and having seminary-approved interpreters tell us what it means. We still want a king. We need the truth in our face. We need it in our hands, in black and white. It's like we're standing on the ground, but we won't let go of the tree because we can't see our feet. We know the Old Testament Scriptures were important to the New Testament believers. They quoted it constantly, confirming the world changing events surrounding the birth, life, death, resurrection, and continuing spiritual ministry of Jesus. The Old Testament gave the apostles confidence in their faith, along with the signs and wonders they were experiencing. Jesus, as a youth, was recognized as having an incredible understanding of Scripture. He used it while being tempted by the devil, he used it while being challenged by the Pharisees, and he even quoted it on the cross. It cannot be disregarded. The Pharisees were masters of Scripture as well, but Jesus rebuked them, calling them blind men. How could the Pharisees, who memorized the Scriptures, still be considered blind? It is interesting that they knew all of the prophecies, and ended up fulfilling them without even knowing it. Perhaps their interpretations of the Messianic prophecy would be a lot like how we try to predict the events of Revelations. Having read the Left Behind series and seen the Thief in the Night series, we're waiting for some things to happen that just may never come. We know that the devil is bent on twisting the scriptures to lead God's people astray. We need to learn the voice of God, not Jonathan Edwards, John Calvin, John Lennon, or John Barnts. We see a perfect example of this in John 1:19-34: This is the testimony of John, when the Jews sent to him priests and Levites from Jerusalem to ask him, "Who are you?" And he confessed and did not deny, but confessed, "I am not the Christ." They asked him, "What then? Are you Elijah?" And he said, "I am not " "Are you the Prophet?" And he answered, "No." Then they said to him, "Who are you, so that we may give an answer to those who sent us? What do you say about yourself?" He said, "I am a voice of one crying in the wilderness, 'make straight the way of the Lord,' as Isaiah the prophet said." Now they had been sent from the Pharisees. They asked him, and said to him, "Why then are you baptizing, if you are not the Christ, nor Elijah, nor the Prophet?" John answered them saying, "I baptize in water, but among you stands One whom you do not know. "It is He who comes after me, the thong of whose sandal I am not worthy to untie." These things took place in Bethany beyond the Jordan, where John was baptizing. The next day he saw Jesus coming to him and said, "Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! "This is He on behalf of whom I said, 'After me comes a Man who has a higher rank than I, for He existed before me.' I did not recognize Him, but so that He might be manifested to Israel, I came baptizing in water." John testified saying, "I have seen the Spirit descending as a dove out of heaven, and He remained upon Him. I did not recognize Him, but He who sent me to baptize in water said to me, 'He upon whom you see the Spirit descending and remaining upon Him, this is the One who baptizes in the Holy Spirit.' I myself have seen, and have testified that this is the Son of God." Speculation versus Revelation.
